It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
don't judge my taste in strippers
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
