Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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