a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
