people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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