Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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