I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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