Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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