I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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