in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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