Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
