Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
