Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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