I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
