that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
