Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
