Your face is a jimmy john
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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