remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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