Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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