she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
