I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
