I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
