Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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