she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
