you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
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I can't trust your balls anymore.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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