My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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