she was so not down for the gang bang
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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