true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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