I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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