I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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