Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
