I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
