I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
