need another drink. this is the easiest way
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
