No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
