Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
