wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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