I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
