guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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