Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
