I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
