T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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