You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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