My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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