the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
