Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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