I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
