Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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