I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
