didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
