she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
