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Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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