Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
